even my heart can not endure it.
how can YOu let this happen to me?
coz, just to feel the smell of deathness makes me hurt..
i just want to escape from this pain..
Your presence seems so far away…
and i myself not a super woman..
who can handle it by own strenght..
you feels so far to gain
you feels like illusion
your love
your hate
your pain
your mind
your life
i never tend to hurt you
but it just too hard to gain
something that feels unreal to me
if only i have a bigger capacity
i’ll love you
i’ll take care of you
i’ll dedicate my life for you
but i’m just a flawed woman
that have willing but no ability
there is so much thing out there…
i dont understand..
there’s so much thing out there
i never thought i’ll experience
my life is just a lil pieces of shape
i dont know what to make..
i was in a tiny space..
in my tiny mind and capacity
but now..
this world extends before me..
and i cry..
o. Lord…
where to bring…
i’m alone in this world
have no one with me
have no one to rely on
have no place to back home
have no ground to stand..
then i cry to You, O Lord
coz, this life too hard to face
this heart too weak to endure
this woman is too much in help of You
lord i surrender my life
into Your hand
in my imperfection
in my flaws
in my weakness
in my lack of understanding
i know…
that You are here with me
i’ll be save
mmm…
now, i’m not alone anymore…
but it’s kinda hard to adapt to a new status.. i used to do everything alone…and then i have to share it with someone else.
.
we often fight just because i ignore him or making my thing alone but not let him in.
.
yeah…i have to adapt..
not walking alone this time..
seminggu yang lalu gw membuat satu keputusan yg CRAZY…
pada saat membuat keputusan itu, gw ga merasa itu aneh…
tapi setelah itu…gw sadar..
this is a crazy decision…
puh…!!!!
make it works, LOrd…
make it works…
i lay it down before You…
secara sekarang gw udah ga di kampus lagi..
gw berencana benar2 fokus dan tertanam di satu gereja.
karena peraturan di gereja dimana gw ingin menanamkan diri harus ikut KOM dulu baru bisa melayani, maka gw bingung..
what shall i do so that i can serve Him…
mulai dari ikut Cool, ikut komunitas etc…
.
but i feel like..
this is not my habitat…
ga pas bgt dgn beban yg ada di hati gw..
.
kemarin pulang gereja, ada stand tempat mendaftar diklat doa. dan emang sebelumnya gw udah berencana ikut. pas nanya…ketemu sama seorang bapak. dan gw merasakan bahwa ini orang punya beban yg sama dgn gw.
‘
kaya ketemu dgn orang yg punya habitat yg sama dgn gw. senengnya minta ampun…:">
apalagi katanya setelah diklat gw punya kesempatan bisa melayani sebagai pendoa.
aduh….jadi pengen stay di bandung ni….
nb: hari ini gw bahagia banget…senyum terus..:-P
udah lama ga nyentuh ni blog…
mm..
what to say..
pengen mencurahkan segala uneg2..
.
akhir2 ini gw bingung dgn segala macam pilihan..
kemarin awalnya ke bandung dateng hanya utk menenangkan pikiran..
mencari wajah Tuhan
dan menentukan pilihan hidup mau kemana…
gw berusaha masuk beberapa komunitas utk mmperbaiki kondisi rohani gw dan mendapatkan kembali kepekaan rohani sedia kala..
.
but seems it takes time…
ato mungkin gw yg kurang eager kali yah…
Seiring bertambahnya usia, masalah main banyak aja. dan tuntutan untuk semakin dewasa dalam berpikir, bertindak dan menanggapi sesuatu juga makin besar.
,
Akibatnya, diperlukan keinginan dan kerelaan hati untuk mengerti hal - hal yang mungkin dulu bukanlah hal yang penting bagi kita.
.
something that may need us to get rid of our comfort zone. something or area that didnt even want to touch before..
.
but as the time goes by, we have to touch that… ‘ something that may seem unimportant to us..can be something that become a stumble block to our life which can influence the whole life.
.
as the time goes by….i realize.. there are a lot of aspects in my life that i’ve been still a starter compared people at the same age with me. that makes me realize in some points in my life, why i haven’t been there. that because i haven’t even passed the paths to them.
.
as the time goes by, i realize i can not make it alone. too exhausted. so little time, so little strength,so much to do.
;
lately. i ponder alot. and i arrive in a conclusion that may be some aspects in my life caused by the the lack of humility. ..it’s hard to explain..it’ll take pages to write them all.
.
and i think..that lack of humility which caused some people or maybe a lot of people looks ridiculous and childish..
.
maybe it doesnt have to happen that way..but that lack make it worse…
.
.
‘humility precedes wisdom’
Dua hari yang lalu gw nempelin pamflet di daerah kost-an anak Marnath dengan semangat ‘45, ini merupakan aksi tahap ke-4 yang gw lakukan. tahap ke -4 ini ada sekitar 100 lembar yang disebarin. kali ini gw nyebarin ke kost2-an yang terbilang cukup ‘high class’ compared with my early boardinghouse. .
.
ngeliat rumah kost mereka yang bagus2, gw jadi merasa minder. oh my GOd… gw susah2 cari duit sampe harus nyebarin pamflet sendiri malem2 kaya gini (sampe demam)…mereka terfasilitasi dengan enaknya. belum lagi yang namanya bisnis kecil2an, order dan pendapatan tu ga terprediksi. .. ; ((
.
contohnya aja sekarang… itung2 pendapatan gw perhari…ongkos plus makan aja ga mencukupi. belum lagi gw rajin akses internet utk meng-update informasi. kadang ingin menitikkan airmata. beginikah susahnya cari duit ??? 
.
belum lagi bayar listrik, kost, air, shampoo, sabun, kosmetik, pakaian…pulsa..hiks..:(( . salah satu impian gw adalah bisa akses internet di rumah sendiri freely tanpa harus mikir duit dan bisa akses informasi from abroad. misalnya ada TV kabel ato indovision. but dengan penghasilan kaya gini?? mereka dengan mudahnya mendapatkan fasilitas tersebut.
.
ironis sekali… . sambil memandang kost-an mereka yang bahkan jauh lebih bagus dari rumah gw, gw berpikir…" TUhan…kapan gw bisa punya rumah sebagus ini dengan pendapatan yang seperti ini?" gimana gw akan memfasilitasi hidup anak gw kelak dengan pendapatan yang seperti ini? gimana cara gw berlomba dengan waktu dan upgrade kemampuan gw dengan seabrek skill yang harus gw miliki utk mengejar impian gw dengan penghasilan seperti ini?
.
bingung….
puuhhhh!!!!!!
capek bgt…
banyak kejadian yg ga diinginkan n gw ga tau how to fix it.
.
try to involve in some future-life project. i hope it fruitful…
some of ‘em failed. but some are working unexpectedly..
some makes me cry…
some makes me wonder…
but all make me realize that all i want is YOu…
‘here at YOur feet
here at YOur feet
here at YOur feet
i lay it down…..
